fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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