It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
