my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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