3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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