I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
