you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Verdict: uncircumcised.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
