so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
