apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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