Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize