so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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