She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
