It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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