You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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