When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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