If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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