Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
