i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Sorry my hands just texted you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
