You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
