i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
