why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We need to get me chipped asap
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
