im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
