someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
