I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
