I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
