So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
