Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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