Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
