I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
