I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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