Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
