Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
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