I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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