I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
