Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
