never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I want to fling myself into the sun
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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