I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
