I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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