I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it's like iHOP with fire
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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