did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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