I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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