FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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