If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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