11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
