3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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