____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
