Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Come on in and take your pants off
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