Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
