I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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