I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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