So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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