im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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