why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
