I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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