JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
