im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
