Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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