i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
