My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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