Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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