You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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