Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
